A Practical Approach to Forgiving
It is one thing to talk about forgiveness; it is another thing entirely to forgive. For the number of lessons we hear on the act of forgiving, it still seems too often that the proper way to do it can be difficult to express. What does it mean to forgive, practically?
Jesus' parable of the Lost Son delicately exposes the actions of a father that receives his wayward child home after years of absence and dishonourable living. The father's actions set out a few steps that are helpful when we have made the quality decision to forgive someone.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him...”
The first thing to note here is that the father SAW him. Almost as if he had been waiting expectantly for him, the father noticed the weary silhouette of his son in the distance and was moved with compassion. Sight is our first step as well: we need to see people the way that our Father sees them. When we have a perspective informed by the love of God for every person and sensitive to the way He has graciously welcomed us, we will notice people differently. We will become aware of the value they carry and compassionate towards them the way our Father is as well. This compassion is evident in the ministry of Jesus, which the Church was entrusted.
(Matthew 9:36, 2 Corinthians 5:11-21)
“he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”
The second step we see here is that the father approached his son. He was not hesitant, fearful, condescending or awkward, but instead was excited, hopeful, sympathetic and comfortable. It's no surprise that we can feel a desire to distance ourselves from those who have hurt us, and even when some normalcy returns the relationship is marked by shallow conversations and skirting around the past. Not so with our Father. He throws caution to the wind and chooses to create a welcoming and lavish atmosphere. He decides to emphasise us as people He loves, rather than focus on our behaviour. While behaviours need to change so we can live better lives; reconciliation begins in this parable with an embrace.
(Ephesians 1:3-6)
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.”
Thirdly, the father is generous to his son, gifting him items that in Jesus' context signified great honour. The father is not reserved in his effort to bless his son but does so extravagantly. Perhaps the most challenging action the father does that we can struggle with is turning around to be generous to those who have hurt us. If we are to follow the Father's example honestly, we need to consider ways that we can also restore honour to those who hurt us, though we know they do not deserve it. These actions are different for each situation and can include behaviours, compliments, favours, acts of service, and even gifts. This aspect of forgiveness brings reconciliation by exhibiting generosity as we follow our Father's example. Recognising that there are some situations where a particular situation's proper and healthiest outcome is a complete separation from a person, which is the case for many, we can exhibit this type of generosity by praying for that person. Approaching our father on behalf of that person is not only biblical but is healing to our hearts as we speak with God concerning them.
(Luke 6:28)
“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”
Finally, we see that the father makes every effort to defuse anger towards his estranged son, as he speaks tenderly to the elder brother. When people hurt us, our close friends and family can experience a range of feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, and even jealousy. Though we may have chosen to forgive the one who hurt us, those close to us may still be processing for themselves. We can see here that the father advocates for the prodigal son, and seeks to make peace between him and his older brother. We should be inspired to do the same when we have forgiven, by directing attention to the kindness of God and away from the past. (Micah 7:18)
To recap, the steps the father takes are: to see and notice, to approach and embrace, to bless and honour, and finally to advocate and defuse.
Each situation requires it's own process of forgiving, but these steps laid out by Jesus in this parable can help us to put action to our decision to forgive those who have hurt us.